Ahem…one of the major legal exports.

Let me answer this fascinating question in the form of a short play.

THE SCENE: An underground physics lab full of impressive looking scientific equipment which beeps and pings in a seemingly random fashion. Test tubes bubble, oscillators oscillate etc. Two white coated scientists, THREEPGOOD and GARCIA are preparing an unspecified experiment.

THREEPGOOD: I say old boy, did you catch the cricket yesterday – that Khan fellow was smashing them out of the park, touch of Bradman about him.

GARCIA: No chance, I had to go to Ikea with the wife to look for more bloody light fittings.

THREEPGOOD: Again? I thought you went last week, and the week before that?

GARCIA: I did! We got the new towel rack OK but the lights we got had some pieces missing – I’m sure they leave some out on purpose. If only there was some way of getting back at them – I can’t go back there again next week…I, I just can’t …(begins softly weeping into a test tube and walks out of room).

THREEPGOOD: Hate to see a chap down in the dumps like that…if only we could use our super high beam VCOL pulse modulator as a tight field positron disruption unit…(rubs chin in meaningful way)

Two weeks later. GARCIA is a wreck of his former self – dishevelled and with sunken eyes. He listlessly twiddles a few knobs on the flux capacitor but his heart’s not in it.

GARCIA: Did you see the news about those huge earthquakes in Haiti and Chile?

THREEPGOOD: Oh crikey.

So in summary, yes the two things may very well be connected..

There are serious discrepancies in tipping etiquette from country to country. Countries seeped in western capitalist dogma seem to be very much pro-tipping, the USA in particular, where you are expected to tip absolutely everybody and in fact it is very difficult to walk down the street without random people thrusting dollar notes at you. In countries where the workers actually get paid the practise is less prevalent.

However I think there is a need for a set of international guidelines based on my personal ‘reverse tipping system’. It’s very simple – if someone provides a service above the call of duty you can bung them 10- 15%, but if they do a bad job they have to give you a discount of the same amount. And if they do a really bad job, punch them in the face.

Ah football, la partida hermosa. Yes I am very much looking forward to the finals next year. But who will triumph and win the adoration of millions? Not the English that’s for sure. They will be beaten by the Germans on penalties in the quarter finals as usual, realise that they are cursed as a footballing nation, give up completely and instead concentrate on croquet, where, although there are only three countries who play it, they will continually be beaten by Australia.

Personally I support the brethren from Latin America (except Chile obviously). Brazil will get to the final but will lose key players when they are eaten by lions. Paraguay and Uruguay might do all right. Seriously though, Spain and The Netherlands from Europe, and Côte d’Ivoire will be there or thereabouts. New Zealand, bless them, will be beaten by everyone. Actually my predictions are irrelevant as when you have the connections with East Asian betting syndicates I do the element of chance is eliminated. Put a few shekels on Korea DPR for a shock win (seriously).

Another question from my English friends! How delightful. Once again I had to do some investigating on this one as English political intrigue is not a big ratings winner here. I will present the outline of the story for those many, many people who don’t care at all what the UK government does. It seems that, like many governments, they ask for advice from experts in various fields in order to base their policy on something other than political whims (unlike here, where it is basically made up).

David Nutt was an (unpaid) adviser on drugs. Or to give him his full title Professor David Nutt, MRCP MRCPsych FRCPsych FmedSci head of department of Neuro-psychopharmacology and Molecular Imaging at Imperial College London, Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians, Royal College of Psychiatrists and the Academy of Medical Sciences. He holds visiting professorships in Australia, New Zealand and the Netherlands. He is president of British Association of Psychopharmacology and the European College of Neuropsychopharmacology and Chair of the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs. So he seems fairly well qualified, presuming all those letters actually mean something and weren’t bought from a correspondence school in Utah.

Alan Johnson, (UK Home Secretary) left school and became a postman.

Nutt pointed out that ecstasy is statistically safer than horse riding and cannabis is not really that harmful, and promptly got the sack, because Johnson wanted to hear something else – presumably silence. Although that does somewhat defeat the purpose of having advisers.
Personally I’m all for governments making decisions like this – all to often people are swayed by the facts rather than good old moral outrage. And lets face it, if governments did enact sensible drug policies I’d probably have to sell some of my yachts, and Mrs Dominguez II would not like that. So gracias Señor Johnson – gracias para todo!

Well, well, if it isn’t my new internet amigo Zendude. You are quite the inquisitor aren’t you? But that’s muy bueno, porque yo soy Dr. Dominguez and that’s what I’m here for! Now Lark’s tongues – the best place to find them is inside a lark. I believe you hail from England Zendude, judging by your appalling grammar, in which case your best bet is probably the skylark (Alauda arvensis), Just put up some snares in your garden, catch a few, rip their tongues out and ring the gong for breakfast. Actually I imagine most songbirds have similar tasting tongues, so you could try a few different species, blackbird, thrush etc.

As for Pop Idol, I had to look this one up as neither my staff nor the boys at the yacht club had a clue about it. Apparently it’s a contest on television in the USA and Europe where young people compete to try and out-emote each other, usually in song. So the winner is generally the one who sings a song with the largest number of completely superfluous notes, and then bursts into tears at the sad bits. I would recommend reverse-psychology – try going to see a band like Pig Destroyer, Slayer or Christ Puncher dressed in your Pop Idol t-shirt and a mini-skirt and complain to everyone that Gareth Gates has five times the charisma of the lead singer. The audience will be only too willing to help with your problem I would imagine.

Good question – although I have an affinity for weaponry in general, in this instance I thought to myself, what would Jesus do? Jesus is my gardener, and he graduated from the University of Bogotá with a first in International Law & Politics. After a detailed chat he related to me a parable that might help answer your question.
There was once a druglord called Romario*. Romario was a decent enough gangster – he didn’t try and take over the turf of others even though he occasionally had the odd bust-up. But Romario had problems. In a nearby neighbourhood was another gangster called Jose. Jose and Romario had a long standing grudge and were sworn enemies. Romario had good reason to believe that Jose had managed to get his hands on a couple of Saab AT4 MKII anti tank rocket

launchers, which could cause big holes to appear in Romario’s house. On top of that another druglord, Big Stevie had just muscled into two neighbourhoods right next to Romario’s and he had an alliance with Jose. So Romario was in a tight spot. What was he to do? Things looked bad all right – Jose and Big Stevie might try and take him out at any time – Big Stevie in particular had a long track record of taking over enemies turf.. So Romario sneaked out one night and stole some rocket launchers of his own and blew up Jose and Big Stevie, triggering a huge gang war in which everyone died. The end.
Hope that helps.

*all names have been changed to protect the, ahem, innocent.

¡Claro que si amigo! It seems to be newly fashionable amongst the general hoi polloi, whereas once it was limited only to flight crews and soya milk saleswomen. There’s nothing worse than disembarking from my private jet only to find my way blocked by a plethora of sweaty cretins pulling their damned suitcases on wheels. Not only do they take up twice the usual space in both forward and sideways directions, they also stop at the top of escalators to engage the handle, ensuring everyone behind them crashes into them or falls over try to avoid them. I have been informed by some of my ‘couriers’ that the trend is widespread and even extends to the underground railway systems of major cities. There is no word to describe their selfishness and for one I will have nothing to do with them, except for the SamsonLite X4 model which is resistant to the X-ray machine (apparently).