¡Hola amigos! Yo soy Dr. Dominguez, bienvenidos to my advice column! As a supplier of somewhat illegal merchandise I was getting a little tired of people calling me a purveyor of human misery with a malfunctioning moral compass and little or no regard for human life, so I thought, why not give something back to the people? I have had quite a rich life experience myself and I can also call on the talents of mi hermano Pablo, who has a BA (Hons) and two diplomas. But best of all if I can`t help you directly, I can go to the font of all knowledge, the guys down at the yacht club. They know everything. Absolutamente todo. So feel free to ask any questions that you may have – nothing is off limits when Dr. Dominguez is in session.
Email your questions to advice@dr-dominguez.com
Don’t be shy – tomorrow you might get run over by a bus. And hopefully you will!!
There are serious discrepancies in tipping etiquette from country to country. Countries seeped in western capitalist dogma seem to be very much pro-tipping, the USA in particular, where you are expected to tip absolutely everybody and in fact it is very difficult to walk down the street without random people thrusting dollar notes at you. In countries where the workers actually get paid the practise is less prevalent.
Here's A Tip For You... Bueno!
Ah football, la partida hermosa. Yes I am very much looking forward to the finals next year. But who will triumph and win the adoration of millions? Not the English that’s for sure. They will be beaten by the Germans on penalties in the quarter finals as usual, realise that they are cursed as a footballing nation, give up completely and instead concentrate on croquet, where, although there are only three countries who play it, they will continually be beaten by Australia.
Watch out Brazil !
Another question from my English friends! How delightful. Once again I had to do some investigating on this one as English political intrigue is not a big ratings winner here. I will present the outline of the story for those many, many people who don’t care at all what the UK government does. It seems that, like many governments, they ask for advice from experts in various fields in order to base their policy on something other than political whims (unlike here, where it is basically made up).
Peligroso!!
David Nutt was an (unpaid) adviser on drugs. Or to give him his full title Professor David Nutt, MRCP MRCPsych FRCPsych FmedSci head of department of Neuro-psychopharmacology and Molecular Imaging at Imperial College London, Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians, Royal College of Psychiatrists and the Academy of Medical Sciences. He holds visiting professorships in Australia, New Zealand and the Netherlands. He is president of British Association of Psychopharmacology and the European College of Neuropsychopharmacology and Chair of the Advisory Council on the Misuse of Drugs. So he seems fairly well qualified, presuming all those letters actually mean something and weren’t bought from a correspondence school in Utah.
Bueno!!
Alan Johnson, (UK Home Secretary) left school and became a postman.
Nutt pointed out that ecstasy is statistically safer than horse riding and cannabis is not really that harmful, and promptly got the sack, because Johnson wanted to hear something else – presumably silence. Although that does somewhat defeat the purpose of having advisers.
Personally I’m all for governments making decisions like this – all to often people are swayed by the facts rather than good old moral outrage. And lets face it, if governments did enact sensible drug policies I’d probably have to sell some of my yachts, and Mrs Dominguez II would not like that. So gracias Señor Johnson – gracias para todo!
Well, well, if it isn’t my new internet amigo Zendude. You are quite the inquisitor aren’t you? But that’s muy bueno, porque yo soy Dr. Dominguez and that’s what I’m here for! Now Lark’s tongues – the best place to find them is inside a lark. I believe you hail from England Zendude, judging by your appalling grammar, in which case your best bet is probably the skylark (Alauda arvensis), Just put up some snares in your garden, catch a few, rip their tongues out and ring the gong for breakfast. Actually I imagine most songbirds have similar tasting tongues, so you could try a few different species, blackbird, thrush etc.
Mmmm...Alauda arvensis que rico!
As for Pop Idol, I had to look this one up as neither my staff nor the boys at the yacht club had a clue about it. Apparently it’s a contest on television in the USA and Europe where young people compete to try and out-emote each other, usually in song. So the winner is generally the one who sings a song with the largest number of completely superfluous notes, and then bursts into tears at the sad bits. I would recommend reverse-psychology – try going to see a band like Pig Destroyer, Slayer or Christ Puncher dressed in your Pop Idol t-shirt and a mini-skirt and complain to everyone that Gareth Gates has five times the charisma of the lead singer. The audience will be only too willing to help with your problem I would imagine.
Good question – although I have an affinity for weaponry in general, in this instance I thought to myself, what would Jesus do? Jesus is my gardener, and he graduated from the University of Bogotá with a first in International Law & Politics. After a detailed chat he related to me a parable that might help answer your question.
There was once a druglord called Romario*. Romario was a decent enough gangster – he didn’t try and take over the turf of others even though he occasionally had the odd bust-up. But Romario had problems. In a nearby neighbourhood was another gangster called Jose. Jose and Romario had a long standing grudge and were sworn enemies. Romario had good reason to believe that Jose had managed to get his hands on a couple of Saab AT4 MKII anti tank rocket
This Could Help.
Hope that helps.
*all names have been changed to protect the, ahem, innocent.
¡Claro que si amigo! It seems to be newly fashionable amongst the general hoi polloi, whereas once it was limited only to flight crews and soya milk saleswomen. There’s nothing worse than disembarking from my private jet only to find my way blocked by a plethora of sweaty cretins pulling their damned suitcases on wheels. Not only do they take up twice the usual space in both forward and sideways directions, they also stop at the top of escalators to engage the handle, ensuring everyone behind them crashes into them or falls over try to avoid them. I have been informed by some of my ‘couriers’ that the trend is widespread and even extends to the underground railway systems of major cities. There is no word to describe their selfishness and for one I will have nothing to do with them, except for the SamsonLite X4 model which is resistant to the X-ray machine (apparently).
A Comparison of Suitcase Styles
Dear ‘Zendude’,
Gracias para su preguntas.
You make a good point hombre – I couldn’t ascertain why R&B has mutated from actual R&B, which dwelt on the injustices of life, drinking a vast amount and waking up in the morning wishing one was dead etc into some sort of urban hip hop but with singing instead of rapping. Most peculiar. It’s now more to do with how big ones car is and how many señoritas one can fit in it. So maybe coches y señoritas – C&S.
As for the issue regarding salt being more harmful than ‘weed’ – I was not completely convinced by this theory so I decided to set up a scientific experiment. I managed to track down a ladrón who owed me some money – a short session involving delicate negotiation and a pair of pliers convinced him that he was the man for the job. First up – half an ounce of Barranquilla Bomber. This had the effect of rendering him temporarily unable to speak and he went blind in one eye. Next came the kilo of salt and I’m surprised to say you are right – the side effect of eating this much salt seems to be agonising death. Who knew? However personally I am against the legalisation of marijuana. There are a multitude of reasons, but primarily my margins will go through the floor the instant it is made legal, and I’m saving up for a new yacht.
The music at gigs should be so teeth rattlingly loud that you can’t hear yourself think let alone listen to your neighbour banging on about how pastels are so coming back this year. Obviously you need to go to some better bands, anything with an acoustic guitar is clearly effeminate unless it is played by a mariachi band.
Bombay Bad Boy - amazing.
Personally I would do the following:
1.Wear one of those masks.
2.Get hold of some homeopathic ‘Swine Flu Remedy’.
Some idiots, yesterday.
That way I’d almost certainly get it, have done with it and stop carping on about it. My amiga had a case and said it was the easiest three days off work she’d ever had. But then she does work in a meth lab.
It’s always the same…SARS, Bird Flu pah! Personally, as a traditionalist, I don’t much like these modern diseases. What we need is a really good pandemic of the Bubonic Plague. Now that was a proper disease.
Apparently there is something of a financial crisis on at the moment, or so my clients tell me. Fortunately my industry is more or less recession-proof mainly due to the fact that when people ask for a discount I get my right hand man Eduardo el Loco to remove some of their fingers with a pair of bolt cutters – that usually straightens out any unnecessary price fluctuations. However I realise that others may prefer slightly less direct methods. Obviously you want to move into a sector that shows strong growth potential so I have identifies two areas for you to consider.
Great Career Opportunity
First is anything to do with climate change. This is a brilliant scheme which has created an entire industry worth billions of dollars from essentially nothing. All you have to do is call yourself a consultant, mutter something about carbon credits, pretend you are all about saving the world for future generations, label anyone who doesn’t fall over in agreement with you a ‘climate change denier’ and wait for the cash to roll in.
Second area where I can see big potential is piracy (not the electronic sort, the good sort). Look, if the Somalians can do it why can’t you? Also you get to wear a patch over one eye and go ‘aaaaaarrh’ a lot which is obviously muy bueno. Loads of cash to be made there – in fact I am thinking of branching out in that direction myself. Obviously you may have to off the odd Philippino radio operator from time to time, but think of the benefits.