Hi Dr Dominguez, I was wondering if you could clear up something for me, do you think R&B should be renamed as it is clearly no longer rhythm and blues, and what could you suggest we call it now. Another point is its clear that salt gives you high blood pressure, so why not make it illegal and legalise weed which actually chills you out, and cures lots of illness, what’s your view. Also what’s your view of people who talk at gigs, I have friend( who will go unnamed ) who at my friends last gig stood in front of me and talked through the first two songs, have you any remedies ( homeopathy maybe) for this ? Last point my friend says I should try pot noodle, but I am worried I will get a addiction, and may go on to harder substances like cup of soup, and smash, are my worries unfounded. all the best zendude
Dear ‘Zendude’,
Gracias para su preguntas.
You make a good point hombre – I couldn’t ascertain why R&B has mutated from actual R&B, which dwelt on the injustices of life, drinking a vast amount and waking up in the morning wishing one was dead etc into some sort of urban hip hop but with singing instead of rapping. Most peculiar. It’s now more to do with how big ones car is and how many señoritas one can fit in it. So maybe coches y señoritas – C&S.
As for the issue regarding salt being more harmful than ‘weed’ – I was not completely convinced by this theory so I decided to set up a scientific experiment. I managed to track down a ladrón who owed me some money – a short session involving delicate negotiation and a pair of pliers convinced him that he was the man for the job. First up – half an ounce of Barranquilla Bomber. This had the effect of rendering him temporarily unable to speak and he went blind in one eye. Next came the kilo of salt and I’m surprised to say you are right – the side effect of eating this much salt seems to be agonising death. Who knew? However personally I am against the legalisation of marijuana. There are a multitude of reasons, but primarily my margins will go through the floor the instant it is made legal, and I’m saving up for a new yacht.
The music at gigs should be so teeth rattlingly loud that you can’t hear yourself think let alone listen to your neighbour banging on about how pastels are so coming back this year. Obviously you need to go to some better bands, anything with an acoustic guitar is clearly effeminate unless it is played by a mariachi band.
Bombay Bad Boy - amazing.
As for Pot Noodles, I had to look this one up. It seems they are some sort of instant snack to which you add boiling water, akin to the well known Korean ‘Nong Shin – Shin Cup’ ramen noodle. As far as I could tell from my research they are not a ‘gateway snack’ leading to physical dependency on cup-a soup etc, but I have had a crate sent over just to make sure. Apparently the Bombay Bad Boy and Doner Kebab flavours are amazing.
Personally I would do the following:
1.Wear one of those masks.
2.Get hold of some homeopathic ‘Swine Flu Remedy’.
Some idiots, yesterday.
That way I’d almost certainly get it, have done with it and stop carping on about it. My amiga had a case and said it was the easiest three days off work she’d ever had. But then she does work in a meth lab.
It’s always the same…SARS, Bird Flu pah! Personally, as a traditionalist, I don’t much like these modern diseases. What we need is a really good pandemic of the Bubonic Plague. Now that was a proper disease.
Apparently there is something of a financial crisis on at the moment, or so my clients tell me. Fortunately my industry is more or less recession-proof mainly due to the fact that when people ask for a discount I get my right hand man Eduardo el Loco to remove some of their fingers with a pair of bolt cutters – that usually straightens out any unnecessary price fluctuations. However I realise that others may prefer slightly less direct methods. Obviously you want to move into a sector that shows strong growth potential so I have identifies two areas for you to consider.
Great Career Opportunity
First is anything to do with climate change. This is a brilliant scheme which has created an entire industry worth billions of dollars from essentially nothing. All you have to do is call yourself a consultant, mutter something about carbon credits, pretend you are all about saving the world for future generations, label anyone who doesn’t fall over in agreement with you a ‘climate change denier’ and wait for the cash to roll in.
Second area where I can see big potential is piracy (not the electronic sort, the good sort). Look, if the Somalians can do it why can’t you? Also you get to wear a patch over one eye and go ‘aaaaaarrh’ a lot which is obviously
muy bueno. Loads of cash to be made there – in fact I am thinking of branching out in that direction myself. Obviously you may have to off the odd Philippino radio operator from time to time, but think of the benefits.
You don’t mention which country you’re in but I don’t imagine you’ll have to go far, dolphins seem to be bloody well everywhere. I really don’t see what Greenpeace or PETF are on about, weeping salty tears for a bunch of over-rated pilchard munchers.
Pilchard-muncher
The boys down at the yacht club are so sick of dolphin meat they have started throwing them back after a quick sterilisation operation, just to keep the population down. You go all the way up the Amazon and what do you see – dolphins (pink ones! I mean honestly), remote lake in the middle of China – dolphins, Tierra Del Fuego – dolphins (although they look like killer whales so are probably OK). What is it about them that makes people so cloyingly sentimental?
People don’t get all misty eyed over the
coelacanth now do they? I’d take
los niños out to watch sloths instead, that would probably be a relaxing afternoon, and much cheaper.
I usually try to stay away from the mass media myself what with all the bad news these days (apparently coca production is down 18% – ay yi yi!) but in order to answer this question I got the boys to tune my satellite dish into the world entertainment news channel (BBC). After about 30seconds both of your subjects were mentioned in relation to world business affairs, some Parliamentary expenses scandal (wouldn’t even make the gossip column here) and tennis. After quite a bit of research ( I got sidetracked by a documentary on monkey farming) I have the following information for you.
SuBo is apparently journalistic shorthand for one Susan Boyle, a type of Scottish leprechaun, who only appears at night on TV talent shows and is very shy and hairy. Apparently this creature has some magical ability to conjure up mawkish sentimentality in others, a gift to her from an ancient wizard known as SiCo. Consequently she is able to make a lot of money from appearing on YouTube, where you can see her gurning for the camera and then bursting into tears, which is apparently a prerequisite for all TV performers these days.
Not This.
As for ‘Winebox’, I think you must mean the ’singer’ Amy Winehouse, who appears to be famous for being drunk, obnoxious, marrying a violent thug and falling over during concerts. Although she’s so talented*. Somewhat unfair because I do most of those things and no-one wants to interview me. Well apart from the
policia, but that’s a different story.
* I am told there is a law which demands this statement be added after every mention of Winehouse.
For a start avoid all banks (unless you own one, like me). Bankers are well known as venal bloodsuckers out only to feather their own nests, much like one of our native animals, the chupacabra.
A Banker
They sneak around at night drinking the blood from farmyard animals and the occasional human – chupacabras that is not bankers, although I wouldn’t put it past them. However my zombie fence (see below) does a good job of keeping them at bay.
Personally I tend to plough most of my income into crop development and pharmaceutical research – that has paid very good dividends throughout the years. If you have a sum to invest, drop me a line – I may be able to help. Otherwise I know of a friendly Nigerian businessman who would be only too happy to oblige.
Claro! For a start my finca is surrounded by a 4m high, vastly overpowered electric fence and a minefield. I have enough supplies (food, cigars, tequila, women, Playstation games etc) to last for at least 6 months and my own well for drinking water. Also a wide variety of weaponry which I won’t bother to list here for security reasons. Let’s just say the army might find themselves a little short at the next stocktake. Heh.
Zombies. No Problem.
Obviously any hombre worth his salt wants to look his best at all times, this is a matter of pride. However it is a sad fact of la vida loca that the amount of cerveza one drinks can detrimentally affect one’s waistline. Clearly exercising more is out of the question, as this is a solution only for the weak-minded. Four bottles of scotch a day however does seem a trifle excessive. Although it pains me greatly to recommend it, there is a new product in my country called “light beer” – apparently it has less calories than the usual brew. I suppose that could do the trick, or try cocaine.
Dear Desperate (not of Tonbridge Wells, wherever that is),
Perhaps you could organise some sort of feline Guantanamo Bay camp facility for el gato terrorista? That seems to be the approved method for dealing with this type of miscreant. Assuming that your cat is a potential suicide bomber or Taliban supporter of course. Failing that I would recommend a secret rendition flight to my hacienda where I’m sure my two dobermen Rabid and Malaria would be only too happy to dispense some, ahem, “tough love”.
Bueno – there are a few strategies you can employ, some of which may be more effective than others.
1) Buy an anteater. Sounds obvious, I know, but they are extremely efficient at slurping up your unwanted guests, and as a bonus their brush-like tail acts as a duster thereby keeping your house tidy at the same time.
Useful.
2) Try negotiation. Observe the ants to ascertain which one is most likely to be
el jefe, then see if you can work out some mutually acceptable arrangement. ie they get the kitchen, you get the bathroom and dining areas. Let’s face it, eventually they are going to win so you may as well accept things and make the best of it. Also if you are lucky you may be able to play off one faction against the other, particularly if you notice schisms forming in their hierarchy. It worked for the Spanish in Mexico so why not you eh?
3) Set them on fire. Can be problematic as you may burn your house down. But the ashes will more than likely be ant free.
